The short answer
The 90 second rule for emotions is the idea that the body’s initial chemical “surge” of an emotion often lasts about 90 seconds—if you don’t keep re-triggering it with more thoughts, stories, or rumination. After that first wave passes, what you feel next is heavily influenced by what you do with your attention.
You’ll often hear it phrased like this: - Emotion happens (body reacts). - ~90 seconds later, the first wave can subside. - If it keeps going, your thoughts may be “re-upping” the emotion.
This concept is widely associated with neuroscientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, who described emotions as a brief physiological event unless we restart the cycle with interpretation.
What the rule is (and what it isn’t)
What it is
A practical mental model for emotion regulation: - When something triggers you (a text, a memory, a comment), your body can launch into a stress-response cocktail—heart rate up, muscles tense, heat in the face, a pit in the stomach. - If you can pause and stay with the physical sensations without feeding them a narrative, many people notice the intensity drops within a minute or two.
What it isn’t
It’s not a promise that: - you’ll be “over it” in 90 seconds, - grief, anxiety, trauma responses, or depression will vanish on a timer, - every emotion is exactly 90 seconds long.
Think of it less as a stopwatch and more as a reminder: the first spike is often shorter than the story you build around it.
Why 90 seconds can feel so powerful
Emotions have two common layers: 1. The physiological wave (fast): body sensations, impulses, adrenaline/cortisol effects. 2. The cognitive loop (slow): interpretations (“They don’t respect me”), predictions (“This will ruin everything”), and replay (“I can’t believe they said that”).
The 90 second rule targets layer #1. If you can ride out the wave, you get a chance to choose what happens in layer #2.
How to use the 90 second rule (a simple script)
Here’s a realistic, repeatable way to practice it in the moment.
1) Name the emotion (quietly)
Use a basic label: anger, shame, panic, jealousy, sadness, embarrassment.
Labeling helps create a little distance: “This is anger.” Not “I am anger.”
2) Locate it in your body
Ask: - Where do I feel it—chest, throat, stomach, jaw? - Is it tight, hot, buzzing, heavy, sharp?
3) Breathe and “watch the wave” for ~90 seconds
You can try: - Inhale 4 seconds, exhale 6 seconds (or any slow exhale). - Relax the tongue and shoulders. - Keep attention on sensations, not arguments.
If you want, silently repeat: - “Just sensations.” - “Let it crest.”
4) After the wave: choose the next right action
Now decide what’s wise: - Respond kindly? Ask a clarifying question? - Take a break and return later? - Write a draft message and wait?
This is the point: the 90 seconds buys you choice.
Quick examples (what it looks like in real life)
Example A: A triggering text
You see a message that feels dismissive. - First 90 seconds: heart pounding, urge to snap back. - You pause, breathe, feel the chest tightness. - After: you respond with a question instead of an attack, or you wait 20 minutes.
Example B: A conflict in a relationship
Your partner says something that stings. - First 90 seconds: defensiveness, heat in the face. - You say: “I’m getting activated—give me one minute.” - After: you return with a calmer tone and a clearer request.
Example C: Spiraling at night
A memory hits at 1:00 a.m. - First 90 seconds: stomach drop, dread. - You notice you’re about to replay the story. - After: you do a grounding routine (shower, journaling, slow breathing) instead of doom-scrolling.
Common mistakes that keep the emotion going
If you try the rule and it “doesn’t work,” it’s often because one of these is happening:
- You’re arguing with reality: “I shouldn’t feel this.”
- You’re feeding the courtroom story: building a case, replaying scenes, imagining comebacks.
- You’re seeking instant certainty: trying to solve everything while dysregulated.
- You’re stacking triggers: caffeine + lack of sleep + notifications + conflict.
A helpful reframe: you don’t have to like the feeling—you just have to stop giving it extra fuel.
When 90 seconds isn’t enough (important)
Some emotional states are not just a brief chemical wave. You may need more support if: - you have panic attacks, trauma flashbacks, or chronic anxiety, - you’re dealing with grief or major life stress, - you feel unsafe, numb, or out of control.
In those cases, the 90 second rule can still be a tool, but it’s best paired with skills like therapy, somatic work, or structured coping plans.
A modern twist: using technology to create safer pauses
A lot of emotional blowups happen because we go from trigger → reaction with no buffer. One underrated strategy is designing intentional “pause spaces”—moments where your nervous system can settle before you decide what you actually want.
For some people, that pause space is: - a short walk, - a breathing app, - journaling, - or even private, low-pressure solo time focused on relaxation and reconnection with your body.
If you’re curious about tech that supports that kind of intentional, private reset, it may be worth exploring Orifice.ai. They offer a sex robot / interactive adult toy for $669.90 with interactive penetration depth detection—features that (for the right user) can encourage slower pacing, attention to sensation, and better self-awareness rather than rushing on autopilot.
No device replaces emotional skills, but pairing a “pause tool” with the 90 second rule can help you practice choice, not compulsion.
Takeaway: the rule is really about choice
The most useful way to remember the 90 second rule is:
The first wave is biology. The second wave is often a story.
When you can sit through that first wave—about a minute or two—you’re more likely to respond in a way that protects your relationships, your self-respect, and your long-term goals.
If you want, tell me the kind of emotion you struggle with most (anger, anxiety, jealousy, shame, etc.), and I’ll tailor a 90-second “in-the-moment” script you can actually use.
